The apple doesn't fall far...

My shiny new Ontario Health Card just arrived in the mail. When I opened it and looked at the picture, I couldn't help but think of how much I look like my mother. That's not a bad thing, it's just strange. Other people mention it all the time, particularly my sisters, mostly to tease me. For example, when I got my first pair of plastic rimmed glasses both of them remarked how very similar I looked to pictures of Mom when she was not much older than me. As I grow older, and more self-aware, I do realize how much I am becoming like my mother, in more ways than one.

I repeat: This is not a bad thing. But it can be strange to realize you are turning into the likeness of another person, both in physical appearance and behaviour. But I think part of me has always known it.

I'm listening to a Cowboy Junkies CD (black eyed man, "A Horse in the Country") and a song came on with the lyrics "And all my friends have settled down/become their mothers and their fathers/without a sound." *Shudder.*

It's not that becoming your parents is a bad thing - in fact, my parents are wonderful people, and I think I should consider myself lucky to be like them. But at the same time, I'm a completely different person, and I think evolution of the world only happens when people change and strive to be different and strive to change. I love my Mom, but I don't want to be exactly like her. I can be like her, without being her.

She worries, she needs to feel needed, her house is her domain to the extreme degree of cleanliness, she wants everything to be just right, she feels the weight of the world on her shoulders, but doesn't know how to fix it, she gets hurt easily, she has let herself go, she doesn't get out enough, she is so damn stuck in her ways.

Am I describing me or my mother you ask? Well, for the most part, my mother, but I can see a lot of myself in those negative aspects of her. OR what I see as negative aspects. She has a bunch of other really positive qualities too. She is full of love for her family, she takes care of us, she makes sure we have everything we need, she takes an interest in her family, she has spent countless hours caring for our elderly family members, other people's kids, pets, etc., she is unconditionally supportive of whatever we do, she's a good friend to her friends, she's a good person.

So why this age-old dilemma of "becoming my mother?" I don't know. But I know others can definitely relate.

What Happens Next?

I'm listening to Mazzy Star right now - "Fade Into You." Great mellow track for a solitary Saturday night. It was on the most recent episode of Alias. Gotta love a show with such a great soundtrack. I watched it at P's house.

Haven't updated much about the situation with P...I'd like to say I'm not sure why, or it's just a question of me being lazy, but really it's more complex than that. It has not really anything to do with him, or that it's not going well, or anything like that, but that I'm still trying to find my voice for this blog, and so far, it has eluded me. Sometimes writing about my life seems so mudane, repetitive, and banal. Why would anyone want to read about my life? Isn't it so narcissistic to write about my everyday goings on? But then I spoke to my good, yet far-away, friend, A, and I realized there ARE people who want to hear about my life - and I'm not writing about it enough! Someone does want to know more and "what happens next."

"What happens next?" is a phrase that my writing instructor used to use frequently when discussing our work. "I want to know more," was also an oft-used phrase. How I miss the days of constant encouragement and forced assignments. Not that I don't have my share of encouragement these days, because I do, but it comes in less tangible ways. I'm no longer an unsure first-year looking for approval from the instructor and the rest of the class; looking to my success in creative writing as some sort of signal that I didn't make a mistake by choosing English as my course of studies, and that not only was I studying literature, but I would be creating it as well, and that if other people thought I was GOOD at it, it would make my degree choice that much more worthwhile.

I digress. Although I guess that is the point of having my very own blog. I have so much more to add to this, but I am running out of time. I must get to bed so I can return tomorrow, in Amy's words, to "the place of marginal employment." Not the same place as her, mind you, but a place that I go to most days wondering if I'm going to end up in retail for the rest of my life, despite two degrees in English literature.

Next posting - what I'm reading and why.

It's freezing outside

I haven't been very good at keeping this up to date. I was on a good run a while ago. You'd think I would have been inspired to write more often after a coffee afternoon organized by Lana for her fellow Ottawa Centretown bloggers. It was great to meet some of the faces behind the blogs, or at least the faces behind the comments left on Lana's photoblog.

It was great to finally meet the elusive 5th muse. Okay, so she's not really that elusive, but I've read her blog faithfully every day or so since April, keeping me so up-to-date on her life (or at least the one she presents in her blog) that I felt like I already knew her, even though I couldn't really say I'd know her if I fell over her.

Anyway, I enjoyed the coffee, and I hope I get to feel more part of the blogging scene here in Ottawa. So I have to write write write write.

Bytowne deflowering

I finally did it. I was really nervous at first. I mean, I had waited all this time, what was to say this was the time to finally go ahead and do it? But afterwards I knew it was the right thing to do. It just felt...good. At first I couldn't believe how BIG it was! I mean, who would have known from the outside that it could hold that much? It took a lot longer than I thought too, but when it was over, it seemed like it had only begun and I didn't want it to end.

I went to see my first movie at the Bytowne.

I'm bad, I know. But I didn't intend it to start that way, it just did, and then I had to go with it because I found it funny. As long as I find it funny, that's the main thing.

Lana and I went to see A Very Long Engagement by Jean-Pierre Jeunet starring Audrey Tautou. I love her. She's probably one of my favourite actresses. And she's beautiful. It's worth seeing - playing until Thursday night at the Bytowne.

Oouf!!

The word of my day is Oouf. Say it with me. You know it. It's the sound you make as you windmill attempting not to fall flat on your ass/face while ice skating on the canal. Amy and I had soo much fun skating tonight. We went from the NAC right down to the Ritz on the Canal and back. fun fun fun!!!

I didn't wipe out totally, but my back is slightly sore from my many near misses and skates caught in ruts. Oh but it was so great!!! Yay Ottawa! I think I might even get to go tomorrow too....that will be yay for many more reasons which I will blog later. ;)

Okay, so I did what Lana suggested and didn't think, and went ahead and did...and now I'm freaking out! All of you who know me and read this blog (i.e. the people I've actually given the address to) know that I have a crush on a boy I've been emailing back and forth with and now I went ahead and gave him a call because I want to see him instead of only emailing with him. He wasn't in and so I left a message and now I'm freaking out! Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. Perhaps I've built into my head that this is something, and I'm having fun with it, but I might be making it more than it really is. Brandie's not home either, so I'm thinking that something is going on this evening for John F, their friend, and I'm gonna have to sit tight until I hear from them again. Gah! I'm a loony! I think I'm going to have another glass of wine and then hit the hay.

One more day! One more day!

I'm so super excited about the fact that the Season Premiere of Alias is on tomorrow night. I've managed to avert a near disaster - we don't have cable and stupid CTV is airing the premiere in the Sunday night time slot. I'd have to wait an entire four days to see it! And everyone would be talking about it and I wouldn't be able to listen to it! Gah! It'd be torture! But my sister has graciously agreed to let me and Amy come over to watch it. Yay!

You gotta watch it!!

One more thing

I need to try harder to save money this year. I don't want to be 26 years old (eek) and still relying on the Bank of Mom and Dad for my money. Dad and I talked about finances yesterday and I realize that I SUCK at keeping track of things. So I resolve to do a better job of it. I have to or I'll be bankrupt and the creditors will hunt me down.

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In other news, I made it back to Ottawa safe and sound. My flight was cancelled from Toronto to Ottawa, but luckily one of my friends from PEI (a cute one, might I add!) was on the flight with me, so we hung out. Yay! It made the day go by much faster. The weather is crappy - snowy and blowy and cold. The canal was open (and I have a potential skating date, other than Amy!), but it's closed again. Boo. My sis and Gav picked me up and took me to So Good for supper. Yummy!


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And another thing - Season Premiere of Alias is on Wednesday! Yay! I'm so pumped! I love that show. Everybody's gotta start watching that and Lost, also another very good show by the creator of Alias and collaborators from Buffy. That oughta be enough reason for many many people to start watching!

Happy New Year!

It seems like this is the time of year that everyone in making resolutions to lead better lives and plan the year ahead. The pessimist (and perhaps the realist) in me recognizes that many resolutions fall by the wayside of dailiness by approximately the second or so week of January, so over the last few years I've decided NOT to make resolutions. But this year I've taken up the gauntlet again and decided there are a few things that I would like to change and see myself accomplish. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Get more active. I have signed up for curling, I have dates for skating already arranged, and I'm not getting a bus pass for January because...well, because I can't afford it! So that means more walking!
2. Write. Write. Write some more. I need to work my way up to writing a little bit every day, even if it is only 15 minutes a day. That's totally doable and there is no excuse for me to not write. I learned from Sue Goyette when I was at the Maritime Writer's Workshop that I AM a writer. I can't deny who I am, no matter how hard I try. Denying it only makes things worse. And because I spend much of my time worrying about the fact that I'm not writing only proves even more it's what I need to do. If I wasn't a writer, I wouldn't care. Writing means creative and non-fiction, espeically as I'd like to work on getting a portfolio together doing some free-lancing.
3. Get a good job. It doesn't have to be the perfect job, but it does need to be a job that pays enough to get me out of my apartment and into a space that I can claim as my own.
4. Find a new apartment. No more dealing with roommate and her boyfriend and being continually stressed out over what other people do. Create my own calm space that I can decorate on a dime and have it look fabulous!
5. Stay in touch with friends and family. I think I do pretty well to stay in touch, but I can always do better. There is nothing wrong with mass emails if it means I stay in better touch.

That's all I can think of for now. I'm sure I'll add to it as I go along, but I think it 's a pretty good start. These things are definitely doable.

The most important thing is that I am alive, I am healthy and I have many friends and family and people who love me. I will strive to be/make myself happy this year and learn to go with the flow. I will love, I will be loved and I will continue to grow as a person. Yay 2005!
Cheers!