Sometimes I can't even stand myself

I'm having one of those nights when I wish I could just shut up, but unfortunately, I just keep talking and talking. Word vomit. Heard that in a movie I watched tonight with Amy. Mean Girls. Amy had heard good things and even the very straight guy at Blockbuster said it was good and he is a self-professed picky movie watcher. We enjoyed it quite a bit. But I digress.

I feel like a bad person because a really wonderful, charming, nice, funny, sweet, totally thoughtful guy likes me, and I don't like him back as anything more than friends. I want to - I really do. But I also know that I can't force something that is not there. And the "gut feeling" as my good buddy M used to say a long time ago - it just isn't there. I feel like crap about it. Why can't the boys I like, like me back? Why do I always have to talk about it though? I've made a complete mountain out of something that does not need to be, yet it's going to bother me for days. *sigh*

I make my life so complicated sometimes. I need some zen.

Graduation Day

This time tomorrow my degree will be official. It's been a while since I finished up everything school-related, so I'm feeling somewhat detached from the euphoria of "being done," although I know that tomorrow I will be excited. Our ceremony is very early, and my sister, her husband, and K are attending, then later in the evening, will be going out for supper. Unfortunately Amy has to work early in the morning and later that night. I'm sort of sad that my parents aren't here, because so many other people have their parents visitng for the weekend, but I know I'll see Mom and Dad in about a month. I know they are proud of me. And it's very nice of my sister and her husband to take me out.

This evening it's dinner at Caffe Trattoria Italia and then on to drinks at Pub Italia. It's a fun place. Gotta go find something dressy to wear! It's not that often I have an occasion to get dressed up.

I don't think November likes me much.

And it's only just begun. Sigh. It's cold and it's dark in the mornings and it's dark at night when I come home from work. I feel like I work a lot, yet I don't make much money and when I have time to look for other, better-paying work, nothing. It's very discouraging. And I miss my ex much more than I care to admit, although I'm sure it's obvious how much I think of him by the number of times references to him (by me) come up in conversation. I ran into the ex-girlfriend of his best friend. I didn't realize they broke up. They moved in together in July, around the last time I saw my ex, then she moved out two months later. She's a very sweet girl. I was incredibly intimidated by her at first, but she grew on me, and I was pleased that she didn't rebuff me when I said hello. It's somewhat nerve-wracking to run into someone connected to a past that I can't seem to shake yet. I hate that I miss him.

It seems like I am meeting lots of guys, and some of them even make reference to their attraction for me - but nothing seems to go beyond initial physical attraction. What is it about me that makes guys think I'm good-looking enough, but they are not interested in a relationship with me, or even getting to know me?

All I do is complain. Whine whine whine. I can't possibly be fun to talk to right now. I think I should go to bed and try to wake up on the right side tomorrow.