C'est Halloween

I had such a good day today. I am sick with a cold and had been feeling miserable the past few days, and working to boot, but I met up with Amy for coffee which turned into quite the adventure.

We had to renew our bus passes so met up at the OC Transpo location at MacKenzie entrance of Rideau. After waiting in a long lineup and being butted in front of by a little old lady (so much for the cute little old lady stereotype), I got my pass and turned around to see Amy chatting with a very tall blond guy. When I approached, he was asking how to get to the SMT bus terminal. His accent seemed German. I explained that he'd need the 4, but trying to give directions through the Rideau is difficult at the best of times, and combine that with a possible language barrier and my terrible sense of direction in the mall and it would have been a lot cause. So I suggested that we walk him there. Did I mention he was cute??

It turns out that he wasn't just any tourist, but in town for the day on a break from his teaching job at a private school half-way between Montreal and Ottawa. We dropped him off at his bus stop, and then Amy suggested with a mischievious grin that we invite him out for coffee. I made her ask because I was too chicken, but I'm glad we did it because I ended up having a great day. We went to Second Cup in the Market, then back to the Rideau Mall to find some things Torsten had been looking for. (What a great name!) Amy had to leave to meet a friend for supper, but I decided to stick around shopping, and Torsten didn't seem to mind and we ended up going for supper at Darcy McGee's. He's a very nice guy - very interesting and genuine, which all came across despite the slight language difficulties. He told me a little bit about himself and what made him decide to come to Canada (to learn English), and I tried to tell him a little bit about Canada, touting the East Coast, of course. I managed to give him my email and phone number and told him to call me if he ever came back to Ottawa. I probably won't hear from him, but it certainly was a fun and unusual way to spend a rainy and cold Sunday afternoon!

So when someone I haven't talked to in a while asks what's new, I don't really have much to tell them. I go to work, and when I'm not working, I'm doing housework and looking for better-paying, full-time work. Hmmm. I did get offered a raise at my present job, and it's enough to make me not feel as crappy for working there. When one of the new girls found out that I had spent 5 years at my undergrad (four-year degree plus one year for Honours), she was like, "And you're working at the Glebe Emporium?" Comments like that raise my hackles. I added wryly, "Yeah, and I also just completed my MA degree too!" I went on to say that people in college get work faster, but people with university education get better paying jobs in the long run. If I don't think about how much I'm at work, and how little I get paid for what I do, it's not so bad.

I learned how to do returns today. It's nice to know that my work there is trusted and they value me enough to want me to stay (giving me the raise). But they also know that when a better-paying job comes along I will have to take it. Can we say student loans anyone?

On a fun note, I got one of the important pieces for my Halloween costume today. I'm invited to two parties and am really excited about it. The one on Saturday offers the potential to meet a lot of new people (re: men). I also think my costume is pretty cool.

It's the little things that gets you through. I'm off to bed. Haven't slept particularly well in the last few days, so I need to try to catch up. Morning comes too early.

Good wine, good friends, good fun

I got to spend my Saturday evening with K, and Amy and Lana, and we had a good time. It's really nice to hang out with people who have known you well for most of your adult life (Amy and K) and people who are from "home" (all three) and people who are generally really good souls who are fun to talk with and hang out with and I can be myself with.



n.b. I am totally aware that my poem from the previous post is not very good. It was cathartic to get it out. I don't know if it will go anywhere, or if I will work on it, but it's good to write even a rough draft of something. It has been far too long.

Set yourself on fire

"When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire." Stars

I was CD browsing with a friend
yesterday wishing I could
buy my way out of this melancholy

nothing makes me feel good anymore
for more than a little while
but i keep telling myself
that it'll be better in time

until then i set myself on fire
like a flame that won't go out
this torch keeps burning for something
dead, it died months ago

still i smoulder over memories
of being happy (with you)
more importantly
being happy with me

Wow! Someone I don't know looked at and commented on my blog. Crazy! His/her advice? Write as if the world is listening. Hmmm.

What would I say if I knew the whole world was listening?

What could I say? What could I say that hasn't been said, or hasn't been said in the certain way that I would want it conveyed??

You've only got one.

One world. One life. One chance. One here and now. No matter what you believe, no matter where you're from, no matter what has happened to you in the past, and what will happen in the future, you've only got one right now. Make the most of it.

I will try to live this.

In my dreams

I keep forgetting/neglecting to update this blog, because I didn't think that anyone but myself would be interested in my whinging and complaining about my life. But since there are those who feel it keeps them connected, I'll try to be a little bit more regular with my updates. :P

In my last post I was obviously at my wit's end with my home situation. It has since been rectified. I went to Montreal on Monday to visit with my previous roommate and to have a thanksgiving dinner of sorts with my sister's husband's family. I talked with my new roommate on Tuesday after work. I was so nervous all day, as if she was going to go postal on me if I rationally explained how I was feeling. Silly, I know. I managed to blubber my way through most of what I wanted to say, also managing to apologize. What the hell did I have to apologize for? I didn't do anything wrong!!! I hate my tendency to apologize for things that are not my fault, or worse yet, are someone else's fault!

Anyway, she was cool with my request that they go out a little more so I can have some more time to myself. She recognized that he is here a lot. I made it clear that it's hard on my sleep when I hear him leave at 2:00 in the morning. I suggested that although I didn't want him staying over every night, it might be better some nights when I work the next day for him to stay because if they go out and then come home and go right to bed, chances are I won't see him in the morning either. She also mentioned that it is a new relationship and she knows she has been spending a lot (too much) time with him, but he's still been around a lot this week. Although they actually go out now, which is nice for me. So far so good. Let's hope I get crazy busy with a great job, and meet some really fantastic guy who has his own place and takes me out all the time too. Ri-ight. And pigs fly.

Finally

I got to spend an evening relaxing by myself in my apartment, the way I used to. I'm not trying to slag my new roommate, but I have had it up to here with not having any time to myself because she and her boyfriend are here all the time. I nearly lost it on Friday night when I expected her to be gone away and I came home and they were on the couch (again!). Holy fuck do they never go out?? Why say you're "going out" with someone is you never get your ass out the door?? I took to my room and didn't come out until much later when I stayed the night at my sister's apartment. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'll be speaking to her when she gets home and I hope it goes well. We're both adults. I know I'm being reasonable about my expectations, and I'm sure she's simply not aware of how I feel. But I also know that I can't continue to put up with this. My sanity is suffering. Home is very very important to me. I need to be able to come home from work and decompress without someone I barely know around. I don't think I'm asking too much. And I really need to get some quality sleep. I don't get that when he stays until 2:00 every night he's here and wakes me up as he leaves. I mean come on! Have some respect! I have to work at 9 in the morning. I don't mind it if it happens occasionally, but all the time?? I live her too, have lived here longer, in fact, and feel alienated in my own apartment. It's got to stop before I end up really losing it. I really like both my roommate and her boyfriend. I want to continue liking them. So I've got to stop expecting her to read my mind and speak up.

*Sigh* I'm going to Montreal tomorrow to visit my old roommate and have supper with my sister's in-laws. It'll be nice to have a change of scenery.

I forgot to mention that the title of my last posting was in celebration of my best friend's birthday. 26. We went to Fat Tuesday's, a cool New Orleans style bar in the Market. I was running late (as usual) and when I got there, I couldn't find anybody! That's got to be one of the worst feelings in the world - walking into a bar and not knowing a soul when you know you're supposed to be meeting someone. And...I had a bright pink gift bag in my hand (her gift, that was yet to be delivered by Amy, who was supposed to be meeting me there) which didn't exactly help me feel inconspicuous. Turns out they were in the corner, and I just didn't recognize some of the people she was with, and they didn't see me right away either. Minor inconvenience I guess.

I had a good time. Amy had to leave early because she was exhausted. It was the first time I had hung out with K in a really long time. It was nice. Her friends are nice too. Mostly government, MPA-program people. And almost all of them are coupled up. It's kind of annoying, actually, to continually meet people who could be potentially interesting to date, only to discover they are married/engaged/in a long-term relationship. Boo on that. K's friend Jim seemed like a pretty cool guy - he's engaged. K's friend G is single, and she wanted to set me up with him a while back, but the first time I met him, although we hit it off from the beginning, I didn't get the vibe that he was interested in me as more than a friend. He's probably secretly (or not so secretly) in love with K, the way most guys are. And the poor dear is completely oblivious to it most of the time. *sigh* Maybe someone is secretly in love with me and I just don't know it yet!

Bappy Hirthday

Still can't say I've been in the best of spirits lately. Work in retail has really been getting me down and most of the time when I talk with my friends it is to bitch and complain about work, people at work, not having a "real" job, or my lack of an interesting social life. Little wonder with all that complaining that I have no social life!

Actually, I shouldn't say that I have no social life. I'm actually a very social person. When I'm not doing something social, if it's not my choice, simply that no one is around, I feel like I'm a loser for sitting at home. My new roommate and her boyfriend are here a lot in the evenings, and I feel like such a reject for not having somewhere to go. I actually get along quite well with my new roomie, although she is very different from my dear old roommate. And I really like her boyfriend. I just think he's here way too much. He lives in Carp with his parents, so he comes into town all the time so they can hang out. The problem is, they never hang out outside of the house. I'm glad she's happy, and that they are happy together, but I did NOT sign out to live with a couple. He doesn't stay over that much, but he's here until really late at night and her bedroom is right next to mine. And I'm a very light sleeper. Very light. I find the whole situation incredibly frustrating.

I don't know if I'm being insensitive or if she is, or if this is "normal" for roommates to experience this. I think that I still need some more time to get used to living with her - and not both her and her boyfriend.