My writings on this blog have become fewer and further between. My good moods have also become further and further apart. What do I have to be unhappy about? I'm alive, I'm healthy, the weather is nice again (sunny and warmish and the trees are full of brilliant colour). There is a roof over my head, food in the cupboard, bills are getting paid. My family loves me, and I have many wonderful friends, both near and far. I am dating a man who challenges me on a daily basis to get to who I am as a person, the one he can see and knows is in there, and the one he knows I want to be too. In a nutshell, there isn't much I have to be unhappy about.

But yet I often feel unhappy.

Came across an interesting article about writing:

http://www.creativity-portal.com/cca/articles/jori.keyser/day.job.html

Also an article by Kate R. Quinlan's, "It’s Not What You Create, It’s That You Create". It won’t be quick or easy. Life will interfere. Time and money will run short. At times you will be overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged. This is an integral part of the process. It makes you no less capable that you face adversity. But it does make you less productive if you don’t forge ahead in spite of the adversity. "

"Create anything!...Open your mouth and sing. Thread the needle and sew. Whatever it is you’ve wanted to do, you must get to the beginning of it and do it."

Feeling “I’m just not very creative” is more likely an excuse for “I’m just not willing to do it.”

All good words of wisdom. I need to take these ideas in stride and get to work.

My emotions are really throwing me for a loop lately. I can be surrounded by love and support and still I falter, tears flowing out of me as though a faucet were broken, not even being able to explain what's wrong. Not sure that I would be understood, even if I could. My life feels like I am at a crossroads right now - my road had been straight ahead, perhaps filled with Island potholes along the way - the kind that appear with no warning signs and make you think you're about to be swallowed up. I've managed to negotiate them all, but the road has turned from badly paved, to gravelwith no smooth tracks, and I can see the fork ahead.

If it were possible to render myself in two, declaring for both of me to journey a while and then, at a fixed point, journey back, compare notes, and decide which way is best, I would do that. But even wishful thinking can't make it so, and I'm left to feel the mounting apprehension of all the questions everyone asks themselves - what now? What next?

Stress is taking its toll on my body once again. My neck muscles are hard as rocks, I can't remember the last time I took a full breath that filled up my lungs completely, my stomach is sore, I have a constant headache, and my eyes are constantly on the verge of filling up, sometimes overflowing.

I've been through this enough times to know that this too will pass, and it will be okay again. Until then, I stare at the crossroad, trying to decide which way to turn, which direction I want to choose for my life.

It's 8:00 on a cool Saturday morning. I'm awake, the sleep still stuck in the corners of my eyes, my hair a mass of unruly curls, my body still not fully warm from a night of hot/cold/not enough sleep/hot/cold/worry/everything is okay again. It's funny how when woken up in the night one's mind can make such imaginative leaps with things that are not such a large issue. But in the dark subconscious of sleep/almost sleep, simple things take on complex meanings and everything little becomes big. Like bugs, or monsters, or noises, or phrases that really don't mean anything out of the ordinary. Then, in the light of morning, awakening, clarity comes creeping in, slowly, the door opening, a welcome slip under the sheets, a cuddle, the sense of relief that things are back to "normal" again. My mind does funny things sometimes. I marvel and rail against it sometimes, it's tendency to take me on a bumpy ride of ups and downs and too many quick swerves, making my stomach do not nice things, my heart pumping too fast, pupils dilated, wondering, when will this end? Yet, it does end. Eventually. Thank god.

Today will be a long day, because I don't think I can go back to sleep, but now, in the early morning hours, I will enjoy my alone time. The weekend has such possibilities, and I know there are a million things that should get done. I will try to do them all, I will get discouraged, but in the end even if I accomplish only a few things, it will be good. See friends, tidy a bit, keep myself healthy. Not a huge order, but an important to-do list. Let's see how it goes.