The sun is setting and it's casting a lovely orange glow through my living room window. I'm tired, and should probably get something ready for supper, but I'm feeling apathetic about what to eat. I'm somewhat out of sorts today, not sure why. Went shopping with my friend S. Shopping is both cathartic and stressing for me. Stressing for all the obvious reasons, things don't fit, not enough money, etc., etc.. But it is also stressing because it makes me start to feel badly that I'm not "fashionable" enough, or cute enough, or whatver enough. Enough for whom? For what? I don't know really.

These feelings of uncertainty and depression have been surfacing a lot lately. Mostly since I've finished my research paper.

Done done done like dinner

I can't believe that after all the whining I have not yet posted that I have completed my MA. I defended last Wednesay. I am still alive, so yes, I did survive. I can't say I came out of it very happy though. Mostly just relieved to be done. I did not do very well, and that was a disappointment, although not unexpected. But now that I've had some time to relax, and unwind (and get a massage, that was awesome. The massage therapist, who was, incidentally, totally not gay like I expected, told me I had "issues" to work out. Meaning in my neck and shoulders. I was like, whoa dude, you have no idea how many issues I have!), I've realized how nice it is to come home in the evening from work and not have anything specific that needs to get done. It's really nice to just spend some time doing things I want to do. Or things that need to get done that always got shoved aside during school, such as cleaning, or laundry. Not fun things, but things of my choosing. More on this later because right now I choose to go to bed. Sleep is a commodity I still have not yet caught up on.

Today has been such a crazy day. I received a postcard in the mail from a friend who lives out of the country telling me that her wedding has been called off. I was so shocked and disappointed. But I am also very glad I am not in her place. I don't mind waiting if it means my opportunity will be golden, you know? According to my mother, as my grandmother always said, you get paid for waiting. I just might have more put away then most. I am very sad for my friend though. She never seems to get a break. I have absolutely no idea what happened either. She is travelling around for her job, and doesn't have much time. Soon we will catch up. I miss her.

Cue ominous music

So the big day is tomorrow. 3:30 pm. I hope I emerge victorious. Or at least finished. I'll have two shiny new letters to add to my name. Here's hoping. I've been having a hard time keeping my mind on only the defense. No decent job prospects has been on my mind. Also, it's hard to keep a clear mind when the home is cluttered. It's not one's fault - it takes time to get things organized. But by this time tomorrow night I will have accomplished something that at times I thought I'd never get through. Yee ha!

Home again Home again

...jiggity jig. Landed back in Ottawa late yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, my luggage did not. It got stuck in Montreal. It was very strange to arrive home to a new roomie. She and her parents were here, unpacking. 10 days ago, I was living with one person, and now, I'll be living with someone else. I'm looking forward to it, but it's a little strange to get used to without the transition. I'm really going to miss my old roommate too. She and I got along so well and became really close. She left me a big bottle of Aveda Comforting tea that we liked to drink together, and a tea ball. It was so sweet of her. She is glad to be back in Montreal, finally living with her boyfriend. I don't know if it's sunk in for either one of us that this is permanent. But she is definitely someone I will keep in touch with. She was my counsellor and my confidante for this whole year. Not sure how I would have made it through my MA without her!

Oh yeah! I guess I should mention the fact that I HAVE FINISHED MY PAPER! WOO HOO!! My Masters Research Paper is done. I defend this week. Then I'm done done done done done of my MA! Then I have to try to find work...something other than retail. Retail is fine, and it helps pay the bills, but it certainly won't pay all the bills. The thing about the place I work is that it attracts lots of really attractive men - and most of them are either gay, or in with their partners. It sucks! It's not simply my pessimistic singleton view of the world either, my co-workers, most of whom are coupled up, say the same thing. They appreciate some eye-candy every now and again too.

Oh, and, yeah, the newly engaged couple count went up since I last posted. In 7 days on PEI, I found out about no less than 5 couples getting married. One of whom is my ex-boyfriend from a few years back. One of the guys I had the most fun with, and really fell hard for, but he could not return the feelings for me. It was short but bittersweet, and although I was anticipating this announcement soon, it still struck me silent when I found out. What exactly can I say? It's not like we've been in touch over the last two years. Things are civil when I see him, but that's rare. I guess I'm just sad that it didn't work out with us. He's a pretty great guy, and he was a great boyfriend, for the short time we were together, but he had a lot of issues that needed to get worked out. I hope he has done that. I wish him well. *sigh*

I have to stop harping on this state of affairs.

Currently listening to: "Homesick" by Kings of Convenience http://www.kingsofconvenience.com from Riot on an Empty Street. Love this song, the whole album is awesome. Mellow gold from Norway.

Is there something in the water?

So I'm back home for what should be a bit of a break. It's been nice so far. Not exactly what I'd call restful. But at least I don't have to do housework, which is very nice, and I totally do not take for granted now that I'm on my own. Extremely on my own, I guess.

No, I'm not talking about some recent break-up. That happened back in February. And again in June. Different guy, same name. I've been single for a number of months now. Completely contrary to the trend of so many that I know. You see, I came home for a wedding. The groom is a very dear friend of mine, and I have gotten to know his bride in the last number of years. Both great people. They live in Ottawa too. This was wedding number 8 million for this year out of my group of friends. Okay, so I exaggerate. But it was the third of three weddings I was invited to, and the one that I most wanted to attend, and the one that was most likely to get me a vacation out of the deal too, because the plan was to have my paper finished before I came home. Didn't quite work out, but more on that later.

There seems to be a trend toward coupling up. It's like, almost everyone I know is either in a serious relationship, starting a serious relationship, moving in together, living together, engaged, about to get engaged, married, or recently married. And it's all making me painfully aware of how single I am, and how I wish I wasn't.

Too busy waiting for the future to happen...

Sunday night - My roommate is in Montreal again this weekend, so I'm by myself. I was supposed to go to a friend's birthday celebration at a local pub, but I seem to have caught the persistant head cold that is going around, and which seems to get worse at night and in the mornings, so I'm going to chill out at home for a second night in a row. Probably not that bad for me, all things considered. My previous posts will indicate how stressed out I've been as of late.

I'm listening to some tunes on the internet, and reading other blogs, and generally avoiding doing the edits on the third draft of my essay. I did manage to get a few hours of work in today at Starbucks, settled nicely in a corner seat where I got to people watch too. Coffee shop patrons who sit to enjoy their java are a rather likeable bunch - they don't mind sharing your table, and often strike up a conversation with you, if you seem willing. There was a really good looking guy there today who asked to sit in the chair opposite me who seemed really nice, and friendly, and was chatting up another man who came by later. Unfortunately, with all the street noise, I didn't hear much of the conversation when the man asked the cute guy's single status. Or perhaps it was the blood pounding in my ears as the blood rushed to my face in the hopes that perhaps he was single and perhaps if I played my cards right we'd strike up a conversation and perhaps he'd ask me out perhaps perhaps perhaps. I think he said he was seeing someone. I'm starting to feel really single. single in the bad way. single as in I feel like I might as well scream how desperate I am.

When will it end?

I want my life back! I want to be done of this paper. I want to be able to watch tv if when I feel like (the whole TWO channels) and go out for a coffee when I feel like it, and just do what I feel like, when I feel like it. I know I've worked too hard to give up now, but I'm not receiving the kind of feedback I was expecting on it - you know, okay, your ideas here are good, but you digres here, etc. Instead, I'm getting stylistic changes. What good does that do me right now? I need to know if what I'm writing is worthwhile! I know that soon enough, I will be done, and just working, and looking for new work, and I'll be hoping to find something else with which to complain, and/or occupy my time with. Bring it on.